I have thoughts about things that are horrifying, often illegal and I need to get help for them. I have never mentioned them before to anyone because I am afraid of how they will react but they bother me and I need help.
I struggle with counseling. I don't know how to characterize the problem or solve it. I had one really bad session with a previous counselor a few years ago and since then I have not been able to connect to a counselor or make progress or open up. I can talk objectively about needing help about the sorts of things I need help with... but I just check out emotionally. I'm as detached as it gets. All I feel is awkward.
I have at least two conflicting sides of myself that I'm trying to figure out. One is more dominant and is the one that keeps me from opening up. The other is the one that really needs help.
Sometimes, I think I need to be institutionalized.